I had someone come to clean my condo last night, and it made me realize how bad things have become for me emotionally. Below are some messages I sent out to friends about how I felt afterwards.
She was so nice and did such good work. I felt really bad that she was cleaning up after me, and she even told me to not be so hard on myself.
I saw how she cleaned some things and now feel inspired.
Because of how things were, she asked me if someone had died and I had fallen into a depression.
I think I’m just too lonely at home.
I’m not used to the level of compassion, kindness, and emotional engagement she showed, even from my own friends and family. I must be so screwed up.
Nobody else ever shows that kind of caring.
The lady who cleaned my condo was the person who’s been the nicest to me in years.
After her visit, I feel like the lack of face-to-face emotional interaction over the past several years might be why I feel so drained at the end of the day.
For some reason, I don’t feel the same kind of warmth she showed from my parents.
She asked if I was depressed over a loved one dying based on how things were in my home.
I felt so screwed up after some introspection after her visit.
…I need strong friends I can see more than once every few months.
I feel like I’m the only one who wants to talk to anybody and nobody ever wants to reach out to me.
On another note, after seeing some of what she was doing, I felt inspired to clean some of the stuff she couldn’t get to in the time allotted. New techniques and whatnot.
I’ve never been able to connect with ‘normal’ people, and men in general just don’t seem like my people to me.
Friends who don’t think to talk to me every now and then don’t help me with my loneliness.
I had someone clean my condo last night, and it was bad enough that she asked if I had been depressed because of someone dying.
That’s how bad things are for me. I just don’t have the will to clean without someone to clean for, or without any sort of emotional support in my daily life here.
I don’t really have the will to do much at all anymore.
Life is kind of pointless without friends.
After she showed such caring kindness to me in person, I actually felt worse because I have it in my mind that nobody should do that, as nobody ever does.
Even my own parents, who I love dearly and I know care about me greatly, never confront me on emotional issues like she did.
They give support, but what she did just felt different.
After realizing all this last night, I just felt like I was a really screwed-up person.